Music
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Novelties
$15.00
| 1. | Nobody Knows I'm Famous | Nobody Knows I'm Famous
NOBODY KNOWS I’M FAMOUS
Nobody knows I’m famous So I have to go around and say it When I’m in public, I cover up my face with my hands So people don’t realize that they don’t know who I am I sent a picture to the paparazzi A nice 8 x 10 glossy of me And directions that show how to get to my home Along with a note that says “please stalk me” Nobody knows I’m famous I put an add in the singles column That says “supermodel wanted: I’m a famous white male but no one knows that it’s true I think it might be more convincing if I’m married to you” I wrote a book that says I’m something And I hand copies out for nothing And if you won’t take me up, I say I’ll throw in a buck, And make it two dollars if you ask me to sign it Nobody knows I’m famous No one knows that everybody’s talking all about me Unless they’re just pretending out of jealousy and envy I use the utmost of discretion to attract lots of attention But elude the recognition I deserve I’ve got big time tinted windows On my Jet Black Geo Metro I’ve got my own body guard but he gets bored a lot And so I hired a fanatic that he has to fight off So if you see me, take a picture Point at me and whisper I’m the Hollywood type Born for the lime light But I’m having a tough time creating a buzz because Nobody knows I’m famous |
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| 2. | Harry the Pharoah | Harry the Pharoah
HARRY THE PHARAOH
Harry was a pharaoh on the Nile In typical Egyptian style But Pharaoh Harry did not always go With the status quo One day discussing funerary rites And where to bury Harry when he dies He said “please don’t ever put my body in Some pyramid” He said CHORUS: Tell me, what would a dead man do With all that gold and all those jewels? You can keep his body mummified Make that dead man look alive But he ain’t ever gonna spend that loot Tell me, what would a dead man do With all that furniture and all that room? If you’re gonna build a house that nice You oughta give it to some living guy He could put it to a better use What would a dead man do? Now those were words Egyptians didn’t like ‘Cause they were in the business of the afterlife And those plans and preparations kept them quite preoccupied But he said keep that treasure in this life Taste that spice, drink that wine And eat those figs and pomegranates now I think you’ll find they tend to taste the best When you’re not dead CHORUS: So now no one recognizes Harry’s name And Pharaohs like King Tut get all the fame That old King Tut, now there’s a guy with one Heck of a grave |
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| 3. | Driving With My Knee | Driving With My Knee
DRIVING WITH MY KNEE
I’m talking on the cell phone in my hand right now While the other hand's writing some directions down And I’m driving my car, wait! how can that be you ask me Hand number three? No… CHORUS: I’m driving with my knee, driving with my knee I’ve got both hands free, driving with my knee And I’m multi-tasking much more productively Driving with my knee I bought a tuna fish sandwich and some Krunch ‘n Munch But I don’t have to stop to have a little lunch I grab the sandwich with my hand, pick up a newspaper and read 'Cuz I’m driving with my knee CHORUS: Well I get so excited with the time I save That I give the police a friendly two-handed wave And I can tell by siren and the lights that they’re happy for me ‘Cuz I’m driving with my knee But then I start to think that I made a big mistake When they turn their car around and start coming my way So I step on the gas, still holding my sandwich and tea I'm speeding with my knee Speeding with my knee, speeding with my knee Now I’m up around 93 Eating my lunch while I’m escaping from the State Police Speeding with my knee CHORUS: |
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| 4. | Dorothy's Pie | Dorothy's Pie
DOROTHY’S PIE
Vern said “hey Dorothy, what are you baking? It smells awfully good, I bet you must be making My favorite apple pie, honey, please tell me it’s true.” Dorothy said “yes Vern, but it’s not for you, dear I made it for the bake sale this Sunday at church, you hear So don’t go stealing a piece, now, Vernon, don’t you! He sulked over supper and settled for cookies But there at that pie on the stove he kept looking With the thought that some stranger would have it, which he could not stand He sat in his sad resignation all evening Moped off to bed, stared at the ceiling Then he started to smile, because Vern was devising a plan Now most folks who have met him insist that he seems like a reasonable guy So before I describe what he did, let me explain to you why…you see… CHORUS: After forty some years of her rhubarb and apple Still nothing on earth could make Vernon more happy Than the thought of a slice with a scoop of ice cream on the side And that’s why Vern had to buy Dorothy’s pie That Sunday Morning, quite coolly and calmly Vern shaved and buttoned his shirt nonchalantly Drove them to church, said his glory be’s and amens Afterwards Dorothy fetched her creation Went to the church hall to make her donation And Vern followed closely behind with his secret intent Passing by tables of brownies with walnuts Poppy seed pastries and cheese cakes and cream puffs He was unwavering, keeping his eye on the prize And when she arrived at the back where you check-in Vern stepped in with a deft interception Slapped down a five on the table, and said “that pie is mine!” Maybe you’ve heard of the old aphorism, “Love made a fool out of me” Well, Love made Vern one in just 40 minutes at 425 degrees CHORUS: And actually he says the ice cream isn’t needed Because every piece of Dorothy’s pie by itself is complete She bakes all kinds of sweetness inside |
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| 5. | Dandelion | Dandelion
DANDELION
Life was good in my neighborhood With Mother Nature safely quarantined A perfect yard was my work of art A study in uninterrupted green Till uninvited you came by Brandishing your yellow smile Drifted in and wouldn’t go away Had a party on my lawn Making all the neighbors talk Then hung around like you were gonna stay I cursed and swore, prepared for war Madly engineering your demise Then headed for the garden store To buy my ammunition and supplies To protect the innocent My first attack was limited Precision guided missiles hit you hard But you came back a second time Laughing with your yellow eyes So I carpet bombed the whole dang yard CHORUS: Sometimes you have to stand up Sometimes you have to fight When Nature’s on your land It doesn’t have the right So put up your dukes It’s me or you Dandelion Then one day in my naiveté I declared that victory was near I did not foresee your insurgency And now you have been tormenting me for years And I’m inclined to think these days You’ll be growing on my grave Which I will still be trying to defend Because this in not a happy tale I am Ahab, you’re the whale And I remember how that story ends CHORUS: So put up your dukes I’m coming for your roots It’s me or you Dandelion |
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| 6. | Snuffleupagus | Snuffleupagus
SNUFFLEUPAGUS
Hey, have you heard the latest from Big Bird? It sounds ridiculous, get a load of this He says he has a friend only known to him He calls him Aloysius Snuffleupagus Apparently when no one’s watching Is when the two get to talking He says he’s big and hairy, but not the least bit scary With great big lazy eyes, he swaggers side to side And has a longish nose, and walks a little slowly A peculiar invention, even for Mr. Henson Which makes me think, though I hate to say it That the creature is fabricated CHORUS: No, I don’t believe he really does exist Because I’ve never seen this Snuffleupagus It’s all in the big bird’s brain And besides, what kind of name is Snuffleupagus? I talked to Bert and Ernie, Cookie Monster’s worried Kermit the Frog agrees “it’s just a tragedy” Someone should check that bird, take his temperature Maybe he took a fall, or drugs or alcohol Or maybe Big Bird has some problems Well, if he does, hey, we all got ‘em But that does not mean that we all should get Our own imaginary, hairy psychologist CHORUS: I mean no ill intentions, but perhaps an intervention Is what our bird friend needs to restore his sanity So you round up the crew and I’ll go see how he’s doing Here he comes as a matter of fact Hey, did you see THAT? No, I don’t believe he really does exist Because I don’t think I’ve seen this Snuffleupagus But hey, I’m open-minded Let’s say I’m undecided |
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| 7. | Stanley | Stanley
STANLEY
When I'm stepping out for the day Or tripping down the interstate highway I can think of only one thing that I need A shiny lip and a round physique A rubber top that never leaks A hefty 32 ounce capacity When I take a trip, Stanley I can take a sip, Stanley 'Cause you keep it hot, Stanley There's a lot of love in that thermal pot Ooooooooh yeah As a friend I think you're really neat 'Cause I can drop you from 50 feet And you won't break like those cheaper lunch box ones And you're so durable, you've won my trust 'Cause you may scratch but you'll never rust And you'll be there for many years to come When I twist your top, Stanley And I hear that pop, Stanley I just want to shout, Stanley I tip you up and you pour it out Oooooooooh yeah That's right…great friend of the trucker, the construction worker The road tripper Great when you're camping, fishing, boating, skiing, or just on a picnic Great friend of my father's Which enabled him to stay on the job during lunch And earn enough money to consider having a third child That'd be me…..thanks Stanley! And when there's no more left, Stanley I feel a bit bereft, Stanley But then I know I'm not, Oh Stanley 'cause I can Fill you up at the next gas stop When I take a trip, Stanley I can take a sip, Stanley 'Cause you keep it hot, Stanley There's a lot of love in that thermal pot Ooooooooh yeah |
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| 8. | 15 More Minutes | 15 More Minutes
15 MORE MINUTES
I asked her when would you like to awake She said at six and I mustn’t be late So when in the morning I tugged on the sheets She said just give me 15 more minutes of sleep 15 more minutes is all that I need At 11 am she was still sleeping sound So I made her some lunch just to lure her out I said hey how about something to eat She said “sure after a little more sleep 15 more minutes is all that I need At 2 pm I told her she’d won a prize She turned around without opening her eyes At 5, I lied that I’d broken my thumb She whispered faintly then call 911 I’ve got some sleeping that needs to be done At 6 in the evening I shouted the bed is on fire She said she’s sleeping in fire-resistant attire Then she just pulled the covers up higher She pulled the covers up higher When nighttime arrived I went to her and said Time to wake up and get ready for bed She said hurray that’s my favorite thing After a couple more winks if you please 15 more minutes is all that I need |
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| 9. | Happy Place | Happy Place
HAPPY PLACE
When I was a young boy Mama said to me Son it’s time you learned some Responsibility Your dirty clothes need cleaning, your bed needs to be made About that time, I found out about my happy place My happy place is laid back My happy place is fun My happy place doesn't have any chores that are waiting to be done When I don’t want to be here I go there instead Anytime, because my happy place is In my head Boss called me to his office For my annual review Said I could use a more enthusiastic attitude It was then that he noticed The blank look on my face I was already chillin’ out in my happy place My happy place has cable My favorite bands play there for free And there are no bosses there evaluating me When the truth is stupid and reality is lame I just take a time-out in the break room in my brain I’m thinking of expanding Maybe doubling my space Putting on a big addition To my happy place Maybe adding insulation For keeping out the din Because the way that things are going I think I’ll be moving in You can take what life gives you You can make the most of it, as they say You can try to be a better person If you want to live that way When life gives you lemons Go ahead, make lemonade I’ll make rum and cokes and whiskey sevens In my happy place |
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| 10. | Tee Ball | Tee Ball
TEE BALL
My name is Ryan, I’m going on five And there’s something that I’d like to say I know a wonderful game called Tee Ball It’s like baseball mostly, but not like the big leagues Now there is a game I don’t get Where you swear and get very upset Downright teed off CHORUS: But in Tee Ball, there are no strikes at all And the ball’s always perfectly placed You just keep swinging away till you hit one And in Tee Ball, you touch ‘em all And as you head back to home plate Every one’s cheering your name for your homerun OK, it might not prepare you for life but it’s Glorious fun just the same ‘Cause in Tee Ball, you always win the game There’s no consequence for not paying attention You barely even have to try Things always seem to go right in Tee Ball No pitcher to trick you or ump to insist you were Off second base by a mile And no angry fans cramping your style with their cat calls CHORUS: So start up your own league for grown-up teams only It’s bound to become all the rage ‘Cause in Tee Ball, you always win In Tee Ball, you can hold up your chin In Tee Ball, you always win the game |
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| 11. | Made in China | Made in China
MADE IN CHINA
Oh China, you make my watch, my tackle box, my kitchen knives Oh China, you make my drill, my outdoor grill, my favorite tie Oh China, you make my phone, my stereo, my big-screen TV My 18-speed mountain bike, my Christmas lights, my Christmas tree CHORUS: All your hands across the sea make my American dream So very cheaply My alleged superpower wouldn’t even last an hour If you should leave me Oh China, you make my plates, my microwave, my garden hose My big league bat and ball, my Barbie Doll, my GI Joe Oh China, when I get bored, I can afford to buy more stuff Because a tiny 40 cent wage, is all you make to make the things I love CHORUS: Of course, not EVERYTHING is made in China. Some things are made in: Bangladesh and India, Egypt and Malaysia Mexico and Vietnam, Guatemala and Hong Kong Philippines and Indonesia, Uruguay and South Korea Haiti and El Salvador, Pakistan and Ecuador and Thailand, Cambodia, Honduras, Mongolia Instead of China Now, American flags are typically not made in China. Most of them proudly display “Made in the U.S.A.” on their labels. People understandably consider it an outrage that Old Glory itself would be sewn anywhere but here in the proud land of the stars and stripes. However, if you need a flagpole for that flag, chances are you’ll find that it was made in… China, you make my shoes, my power tools, my rocking chair My no-stick pots and pans, my pajamas and my Teddy Bear Are made in China |
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| 12. | Fake Plant | Fake Plant
FAKE PLANT
Poor little fake plant, on the windowsill Sad because you have no chlorophyll So in the sun, you always tend to cry Because you cannot photosynthesize Poor little fake plant, you never were a seed You came straight out of the factory Your stem, your leaves, all petroleum derived You’ll never grow; you’ll always be that size You see the other plants around the room They get watered, fertilized and pruned But you just get a dusting now and then Oh how you wish that you were one of them It’s not just the attention that you crave But having your own code of DNA And feeling like your life is not a sham Earning that certain self-respect that you don’t have But hey little fake plant, don’t be so distraught Just remember you’ll outlive 'em all Or should I say you’ll last a longer time Because, well technically, you’re not alive Still you do look perfect to be sure And your beauty always will endure Yes, in so many ways you are ideal Except of course for the fact that you’re not real Nonetheless, you bring lots of joy When we pretend that you’re the real McCoy So cheer up fake plant, look on the bright side If you’re not living then, hey, you’ll never die |
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| 13. | Real Good Storm | Real Good Storm
REAL GOOD STORM
This winter, please, dear Lord Send us a real good storm One where we’re all snowed in That makes people neighbors wave and grin Stranded in our own yards We might as well play cards And get out game boards So send us a real good storm We who get so uptight Need a good snowball fight And should be forced to ski To rent a DVD So heap it up to the window sill Make the mad world stand still Bury us Lord Under a real good storm We’ll pile onto the old wood sled Scream when we see a tree ahead Make a man with a carrot nose Then come back in and have hot cocoa We’ll cheer when the radio Says that our school is closed We’ll make a big snow pile Dig it out and crawl inside Decorate it with Christmas lights Laugh and sing songs all night And we’ll stay warm Inside of that real good storm So stir it up, Lord Send us a real good storm |
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| 14. | Jama Day | Jama Day
JAMA DAY
You can sleep till afternoon Make some chocolate chip pancakes Wake up with Einstein’s hairdo And let it stay that way all day You can be an unclean slob Skip the shower, skip the shave As if you don’t have a job Not even a resume CHORUS: On Jama Day… Eat food without inhibitions Have an extra piece of cake Pajamas have no restrictions Thanks to the elastic waist Save the town from the outlaws On the reruns of Gun Smoke With remote controls you draw From the pockets of your robe CHORUS Wear your Scooby-Doo pants and Sponge Bob socks When you’re walking to the mail box Raising questions about your mental state Helps to keep unwanted guests away Read a book by Dr. Seuss Play canasta, play ping pong Make a list of jobs to do Then do none of them at all |
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